Good Game, Good Game?

Goodison Park

The Season 2000/2001 has just ended, so how did each player do? Who gave his all? Who swung the lead?
Who went through the motions? Who wasn't fit to wear the shirt - Alex?
Blue Kipper regular Robbie G gives an honest assessment of what could be described as a 'difficult year' or a shite season. We start with the defence and move through to the perennial subs. Thanks Robbie.

Player	Performance	Kipper Rating
Paul Gerrard	Losing us games against the Shite and Villa has made him not the most popular player this season. They say he is a confidence keeper but this fella is as nervous as Gary Glitter in Toys R Us! He doesn't communicate with his defence or take charge of the situation and is on the fans' FOR SALE list.
Thomas Myhre	A popular keeper famed for his celebrations when the Blues score. Don't get me wrong -Tommy is prone to the odd fuck up as well but he is willing to have a go. His contract issues and need for regular first team football have effectively ended his Everton career.
Steve Simonsen	Er...we've only seen him for 1 second against West Ham and when Oxford beat us - do we really have £3.5 to employ someone to sit on a bench? If so - where do I apply?.	NO KIPPERS!
Alec Cleland	Seemed to be a good purchase when he came from a successful Rangers side but has fallen fowl to the Everton injury plague - he will probably keep Dunc and Gazza company in the Physio Room next year as well!
Steve Watson	"Wato" is both skillful and likeable. For a defender, his defensive qualities are questionable but he is good going forward. Probably better as a wing back as he can get caught out of position when move breaks down. BLUE KIPPER STAR MAN NOMINEE
Davie Weir	Has rightly been made the new skipper. Great at bringing the ball out, doesn't do the silly things and must be the bargain of the decade at £250,000 (You'd get 72 Davie Weir's for a Rio Ferdinand - that can't be right can it?) BLUE KIPPER STAR MAN RUNNER-UP
David Unsworth	"The rhino is a prehistoric animal in appearance with a barrel shaped body and a long head. They are restricted to their home range, not wandering far afield. Although they appear clumsy they can run extremely fast. Their eyesight is poor but they have an acute sense of smell and hearing." Nobody can question his heart but you can question his feet and brain sometimes - Kendall said that Rhino would have been in the first team when he was 15 as he had the physical attributes but didn't have the nouce so he put him in the reserves until he learnt to think more about his game- when Kendall returned in 1996 he sold him.
Michael Ball	Bally started off great when he first came into the side but then went shit. His much publicised antics with the Honey Monster and lack of form looked like they were going offload him last season. Now, after a very good season it looks like they are going to cash in on him this season. What's that saying again? "You're fucked if you do and you're fucked if you don't"! *BLUE KIPPER 'STAR MAN' OF THE SEASON*
Alessandro Pistone	Hasn't done much yet except look shite. The tanned one was asked to play in the left and right full back positions last season and he has been crap in both. "Are you Terry Curran with a tan?"
Tony Hibbert Tony is on his holiday's	Young hope for the future. Has come into the team and has excelled. Hope we can keep hold of him.
Abel Xavier	He has never had a long run in the team but looks solid enough. When he arrived he was plain old Prince (The Artist Formerly Known As..). Now he can boast about 30 look a likes - Dr Zaius, Neptune etc!
Gary Naysmith	One to watch next season. He was unlucky with his injuries after a promising start. Can be a nasty little bastard when he wants to be but is able to play a bit of footy as well.
Mark Pembridge	Bending it into the top corner; drilling it low into the bottom corner or even taking it around the keeper for an easy tap in. Pembo can do none of these things! Finishing isn't the Welsh Wizards forte - he couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo (Anyone remember the missed chances against the Shite at Anfield?) but to be fair to him, he does work very hard for the team and never lets his head go down.
Thomas Gravesen	Mad Dog can be either brilliant or total shite (like Limpar was). You can tell in the first 5 mins what sort of game he is going to have. Can be a liability in the center of a 4-man midfield because he chases the ball too much and goes missing more times than a G String up a fat birds arse! Tommy is always willing to have a go though, can pass the ball well and score a goal - could go on to be a go on to become a really good player for us.
Stephen Hughes	Came to us with great expectations but never really made much of a contribution to the cause although he scored a memorable goal in the Cup. I'd welcome a dig off Archie as much as a blow job from Hannibal Lecter but I wouldn't spit the dummy and ask to leave because of it. I hope he is happy in the 1st Division playing against Grimsby this year! I also hope Elton does you up the dirty tea towel holder you winging get!	No Kippers Fuck Off!!
Gazza	Started off the season like the Gazza of old and I was thinking he would get us out of the shit but, like ALL of our midfield at some stage of the season, he got a bad injury and had to sit it out. The midfield lost its imagination as a result and we soon started to slip down the table! I hope he comes back in good form this year, bags a few goals and stays fit. There is nothing better than seeing Gazza playing with a smile on his face!
Alex Nyarko	He's about as popular as having a dose on your wedding night at the moment! Pre-season he was great and really looked the part! But "The new Vieira" soon went off the boil and looked like he didn't want to know. If you condone the manner in which that lad vented his frustration at Arsenal or not, you have to agree with the way he was feeling. All of us would sweat blood to wear that shirt and Nyarko just went through the motions. Walter - don't buy anyone else whose surname ends with -"KO" for fucks sake!
Scot Gemmill	A good squad player for the Blues. He has never moaned when he was not selected and when he has played he has always given 100%. A few more people should follow his example! Joined the Blues with Kevin Campbell but produces his best work when alongside Alan Titsmarch. Scot has been a good buy for the Blues.
Niclas Alexandersson	Another one who was great in pre-season! As a result he walked straight into my fantasy footy team. A lengthy injury (thanks to Sgt Knox!) and a narrow pitch hindered him from making any real impact. Need him to stay injury free so Walter doesn't play one of his 26 defenders on the wing again! A fully fit Alexandersson and Ferguson could be as dangerous as a woman in a car!
Idan Tal	We waited a long time for this signing to actually take place and the immortal name of "Sheedy" was used as a comparison. Full of energy and is eager enough but hasn't set the world alight yet. Like Alexandersson, I think he would benefit from a widened Goodison Park so he can give defenders nightmares.
Danny Cadamarteri	When Danny first came on the scene and bagged against the Shite we all thought he was going to be awesome. It hasn't really gone to plan and he was mainly used from the bench as a right midfielder. Danny is a trier but doesn't really have a good football brain. He is not sure what run to make and when to make it. He went on loan to Fulham with a view to signing but got sent off and then fucked off by Paul Bracewell. Apart from going to the same terrible barbers as Xavier, Danny is good as a squad player.
Duncan Ferguson	We all love the "Big Man" and after playing for Newcastle for a year or so he was back where he belonged - in the Bellefield Treatment Room. After that particularly lengthy lay off he returned to Goodison Park via the subs bench and bagged two against Charlton to win us the game. But with that brace came another injury! He reappeared to bag crucial goals against Bradford and Man City and his customary goal against the Shite. His 6 goals in 10 starts (+ 3 as sub) is a great record but we'd all like to see that over a full season! Let's hope he doesn't get injured fighting with burglars again!
Franny Jeffers	That Treatment Room must be a brilliant place to be because everyone stays in there for ages. (Dunc gets to see Steve Hardwick more times than his missus does!) Franny spent a lot of time in there too. We were hoping for great things from the Jeffers/Campbell partnership last season but we never got a chance to see it really. Having already requested to leave us at the start of the previous season we should have seen his transfer request coming. If that wasn't obvious then his silver boots made it crystal that he was starting to get a bit above himself. This was made all the more painful because he was a Blue and we all wanted him to become one of the Greats. "The Fox in the Box" has now gone down to "the Arse" now to win things. Shame really - because we are on the verge of turning it around and he could have been a part of it.
Joe Max Moore	Er...Joe.....er...well, there is nothing I can say about Joe last season. He was either injured or playing for America. He didn't score all year and only made a few appearances. Not so much a "fox in the box" - he was more "bollox in the box" last year! Joe will be used "just behind the front two" this year as we go to 5 across the midfield so hopefully he can arrive late and get a few from there!
Kevin Campbell	After Kev had signed his whopping new deal with Everton some began to doubt his motivation. He started the season off in the Treatment Room with all the others and when he came back, he was asked to play as a lone striker. Chasing the ball across a back 4 looked too hard for a striker who was not 100% fit - especially when he was expected to get the goals by himself as well. His movement without the ball is questionable - preferring a long ball to nod on rather than finding space but Kev's contribution cannot be ignored. Top scorer for the 3rd consecutive season; first black captain of the Blues and always last off the pitch to applaud the fans. I think Kev will get 20 goals this season if he has a reliable partner working with him.