bluekipper.com - Everton's Agony Uncle

Sorry I have been away, can't tell you were but shower time was brutal and the snout was rationed.

Any Problems answered. Is your wife not giving you enough coz you stayed out on the razz after the game? Or is your neighbour a supporter of the shite, and he really does your barnet in? Or is it that The Blues have you pulling your teeth out with their indifferent displays?
All Gripes answered by Captain Haddock. If you think you're hard Enough?

From Blue Barney (re: Tannoy Man at Goodison)

Does anyone know the prick on the tannoy that gives the half time scores out? Who gives a shit about the fucking redshite are 1-0 down, when were getting our arses kicked, then repeats it to try and get a cheer, does this just annoy me or does anyone else feel the same.. Get rid of him, that’s what I think.

Captain Haddock replies: Mr Blue Barney, firstly what a fantastic name, as with a name like that you could join, Seaman Stain, Master Bates, and myself sailing the high sea’s, drinking rum and brandy all day. Me take's your point about the prick, as you so kindly put it, who resides on our public address system, and yes he got on my tit on Saturday aswell. Most of the time, hearing that the Shite are getting dicked, when we are winning, goes down as treat, but as you say on Saturday, his enthusiasm to put it mildly was annoying. It was like trying to drum up a party whilst you're burying your nearest and dearest, he should have showed a little more compassion. On further investigation, I have found out his name to be Cyril Potts (aka Dazzling Darren Dring), and he is a great mate of Blue Bill’s. Bill salvaged his career after the Wheel Tappers and Shunter’s Club shut down in the late 70’s, and he has been the resident DJ on the tannoy ever since. I have complained on your behalf to the club, and they have assured me, that if he doesn’t buck his ideas up in the next few weeks, that they will stop the ambulance picking him up on match days, so he won’t be able to do his slot.They have apparently tapped Jimmy Young up, as they agree with you, that they need some younger blood in there to rouse the team up. Watch this space. Thanks for your worthy gripe, and please don’t hesitate to get in touch in the future if I can be of assistance again. (11/02/04)

Barney is Not Happy, With Cyril, Who is Goodison's Resident DJ

From Graham Williams ( re Sausage's Derby Report)

Just a short e-mail to register my disappointment at the pathetic match report posted by Sausage. Talk about the lowest tribal common denominator. Does he not understand that all that useless bile and schoolboy innuendo about anything remotely associated with the word shite plays right into the hands of most Liverpool fans with half a brain. They have thought for a long time that this is "our cup final" and although it is important, it's arguably more important that we take maximum points off the teams around us in our "mini-league". I enjoy Blue Kipper, but every now and then it descends into the territory reserved for those who struggle to read The Sun and Daily Sport. Do us all a big favour and maintain some level of dignity, by not playing into the hands of those "knowledgeable" Kopites.

Captain Haddock replies : Graham me hearty, thanks for your views, as you are entitled to them, but I believe it is you who is talking utter shite. My associate Sausage is a well versed male, and like all Blues he hates the shite with a passion. You go on about them pricks thinking this our Cup Final, and how wrong you are, as since their descent into mediocrity, the same charge can be levelled at them. As a matter of fact I am one of them Blues whose 'mates' are shite fans, and they will be the first to admit, that they do whiff a bit, and most of them have the brain power of your average chimpanzee. Also I was most upset by your charge about knowledgeable shite fans, as really I cannot think of any, and to back my argument up, I shall name Stan Boardman, Cilla Black, and Jimmy Tarbuck to name but a few. My last point Graham upset me the most, as you likened us to an online Daily Sport, this accusation hurts the most. I am so annoyed that I cannot put into print my true feelings, so I am off now to log onto Jordans whoppers.com, anyone got any tissues. (01/02/04)

Graham is Upset with Sausage

From Emma Murphy: Dear Captain Haddock, as a bastion of fairness and common sense, I thought it was only natural for me to write to yourself with my problem or gripe as you put it. You see my husband and I are both avid Blues fans, and readers of your fantastic site as well. After most games, Gary my other half, always pack’s me off home, so he can stay out with his mates. Once or twice I don’t mind, but now it has extended to every home game, and I believe it to be affecting our relationship. Please, please Captain give me some of your excellent advice, to help save our relationship. By the way have you ever thought of working for the Samaritan’s, as I believe you would make a fantastic counsellor.

Captain Haddock replies: Emma, me hearty, as they say it’s a man’s world, and this perfectly natural behaviour by Gary should be encouraged, and not frowned upon. Men are natural hunters, and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out
chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more convivial atmosphere around the house. Instead of moaning like other women, why don’t you use the time that Gary has kindly given you, and give the living room and kitchen a going over for his return whenever that may be? The next morning when you awake, don’t start on him, as he will be quite within his right’s to go on the ale again, and take in the Sky live game in the local boozer. Instead make him a hearty breakfast, whilst parading around the house in your lingerie, and new Everton top. Once again Emma thanks for your gripe, and if I can be of assistance in the future, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. (18/01/04)

Emma Can't Understand Why Her Hubby Want's To Stay Out With The Boys

From Steve Walsh, Season Ticket Holder Main Stand (re: Admission Prices)

Being an avid fan of your site, I felt it was a good sounding board to write in and say how disgusted I was with the admission prices for Saturday's FA Cup tie. From the attendance which was over ten thousand down on the Birmingham game, and Norwich brought three times the amount of fans aswell, would not a full house have been better with reduced prices. The atmosphere would then have been a lot better, so the crowd could have lifted the team more. I got through to Radio City after the game and Snods was sympathetic to our cause, and I have written to the Echo, aswell as Mr Dunford. I know this is the best Everton site, and you are probably going to rip the back out of me, but I thought a letter to Merseyside's finest, might get the message across to the average Everton fan, who like me is a bit skint after Christmas.

Captain Haddock replies: Firstly Steve me hearty, let me agree with you, as you are so correct, I am most definitely going to rip the bowels out of you. You forgot you sad turd to send a letter to Tony Blair, George Bush and Koffi Annan at the United Nations. The prices were a disgrace yesterday, but after a bit of investigation by Master Bates, we found out in life anyway, you are as tight as a nun's pussy. One of your friends told us that you hang out your tea bags to dry, so they can be re-used, and more disturbingly, is that when you are driving down a hill you switch your engine off on your car to save some juice, you arse hole. So in future why don't you be the first one of your mates to go the bar, instead of the last, and once in a while get the sausage rolls in at the match instead of letting your good friends spend their hard earned cash on a muppet like you. Let me pull you on one other point, you say at the end of your gripe, about the 'average Evertonian', well knob 'ed, we are not average we are unique, as we follow the best club in the world. Once again Steve me hearty, thanks for your gripe, and if I can be of assistance in the future, please don't hesitate to get in touch. (05/01/04)

Steve, Ponders What To Do With All His Cash !!

From Marc Rea (re:Gwladys Street speakers)

How much do speakers cost these days? After a whole year of waiting for the Lower Gwladys speakers to be fixed (and sending the club a few emails), theres still no hope of hearing z-cars any time soon. Somehow we can still hear 'operation goodison' though... Haddock can you hear z-cars? Do you wanna swap seats then?

Captain Haddock replies: Thank you Marc me hearty for your gripe, and I apologise for taking over a week to reply as me shipmates Seaman Stain, Master Bates, and me good self, had to wait for the next home game to investigate your worthy complaint. The three of us after mooring up, left our vessel at the quay side, and made our way to Goodison, and instead of taking up our lofty perch in the Directors Box, decided to go in the Street End with the low life to investigate the sound system further. We were all in agreement that the acoustics level was fine, and if anything too loud, as Master Bates suffered terrible headaches and loss of blood to his right ear. The only conclusion we could draw from this, was that occasionally it would be an idea if you washed the cabbage patch and shit out of your ears. Were you not told when you were younger that personal hygiene included washing both your ears out every so often, or were you that busy fiddling with your privates that it just passed you by at your monthly bath time. As for the idea of swapping seats with your self, me thinks this is a terrible idea, as on further investigation into your background, not only do you fail to wash in and behind your ears, but we found out that you constantly stink of piss, and in doing so have irreversibly stained your seat forever in the Street End. Anyway thanks for the gripe, and don't hesitate to write in again, if I can be of assistance to you. (25/11/03)

Marc's Hearing Problems Remain A Mystery With Lugs Like His !!

From Benny Blue Nose (re: Late comers to the match)

Firstly, welcome back, love your section of the site.Secondly, my gripe:
I sit in the Lower Street End, row M to be precise. I love nothing more than turning up on match day ready to savour that big match atmosphere and of course watch the boys in blue live (not on TV like all those arm chair shite fans seem to think football should be watched). However, it seems most of row L in front don't share this passion as they tend to turn up 10 minutes late, go to the toilet, come back, go for a pie, come back, go to the toilet again, come back, go for a drink, come back, go to the toilet, come back, go for a hot dog, come back......and so on....for the whole 90 fricken minutes. Now when 15 of the bastards do this week in week out I hope you see it becomes a bit of a problem Captain Haddock. So, any chance you can give me some suggestions as to how I can sort them out....or maybe even pop along in person to sort it for us next week? Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Captain Haddock replies: Thank you me hearty for your kind words on my return. Your gripe is a just one, and it affects a lot of people in our cramped stadium.Your problem seems to be with the row of people in front of you in the Street End. You do not say whether these people all come from the same family, but if I think who I think it is, I might be able to shed some light on it for you. You see Benny this group of people all have tremendously under sized penises hence that is why they spend most of the game in the shitter.They fill their ample sized guts full of looney juice before kick off, then realise they need to go for a piss constantly, annoying good folk like your self. There are two ways of tackling this problem, one is to have a quiet word in their ears and tell them of the problem that you are faced with, or alternatively you could find out were they all live and ring Crimestoppers and have them fitted up for a string of house burglaries in the North end of the city, so at least in the short term your problem is solved. Myself, Seaman Stain, and Master Bates will monitor this situation closely and please keep us informed on events as they unfold. (15/11/03)

Above two of of the culprits, who make Benny's life hell in the Sreet End !!